Kaylee and Breck and the Very Worst Songs of the ‘90s (sample)
Let me start by exposing three blatant lies in the title of this humble confessional. The first is that Kaylee’s not actually in it. In the story, I mean. I guess you’ll feel her presence throughout, softly blessing the project, like those Hollywood guys talk about while they’re fucking up some author’s old book. But Kaylee’s gone now. Lie number one. The second outright fiction is that this might not, strictly speaking, deal with the really, truly very worst songs of the ‘90s. I’m sure quite a few stinkers by God’s grace missed my eardrums. Moreover, we chose to exclude curiosities and novelties. A guy could excuse the Macarena as a silly old calculated craze for a dance, the regrettable descendant of “The Twist” or whatever song spawned the mashed potato. A guy could write off “Barbie Girl” and “I’m Too Sexy” as the sonic equivalent of a late-night kung fu movie, stupid but everyone knows that it’s stupid. Everyone’s playing the game. When I agreed to go along with this madness, I felt it important not to hide behind the veil of irony—for once. I had to listen to actual songs. So maybe we’re not listing the worst. Just the worst that Trey could pick out, given the constrictions. Falsehood number two. Which leads me to the third little sin of omission, which is that the title doesn’t mention Trey, my well-meaning collaborator in this enterprise. He should be up front, it was his idea, after all. Say hello, Trey. Hello, Breck. Trey, introduce yourself. Um, I’m Trey DiVello, I’m twenty-three, I live in Cleveland and I work with Breck at City Six. Which is a local copy shop. Like Kinko’s or your OfficeMax, but fewer bells and whistles. We’re pretty much only still in business because we partnered with the college nearby to do their course packets and such. Which means we’re only busy once a semester. This affords me ample time to bond with our associate manager. Todd Breckenridge, but everyone just calls me Breck. We get along, and he’s kind of like the wacky co-worker in a movie. Always quick with a line or a funny observation. At the same time, there’s a difference between finding people entertaining and actually liking them as friends. I mean, I don’t see comedians at clubs and then hang out with them at home. Breck, I hope you don’t object to anything I’m saying here. No, I recognize that I might be a little much to take, sometimes. “Sometimes.” That’s why Kaylee left, you think? I’m still piecing it all together. I’m sifting. Sifting. Bull-sifting, more like. We all know a guy like Breck, God help us, with his skinny jeans and his thick-rimmed specs and exactly every other article of clothing you think that he has. He’s a reliable social type, like metalheads and jocks and bachelor uncles of mottled repute. Breck’s the only person I know who’s ever used the word ‘authenticity’. He used to own a keffiyeh, and he didn’t wear it often, but he chucked it altogether after Rachael Ray wore one in a Dunkin’ Donuts commercial. I only knew that happened because he spent a month bitching about it. But enough about him. Let’s talk about Kaylee. See, one night Breck got dumped. Trey contends that we can trace my parting with Kaylee Porter back to me somehow. Let me say right up front that I really did like her a lot. She’s a very sweet girl with a lot of good qualities. Breck, you ever notice how no one ever uses the phrase “good qualities” unless they’re about to talk about some bad ones? It was more of a mutual parting than I may have made it sound that night. I know I said she dumped me. I was flustered. You know, it wasn’t doomed from the start. We had some things in common. We both came from small-town Ohio. We liked music. It’s just that she liked it more than you did. No. That is not accurate. She liked more music than I did. I care more. Much more. I care enough to complain when I see the medium tarnished. Here we go. Breck’s always got an iPod on. So did she, from what I hear.
This concludes the free sample, but you can buy the full story at this link! . . . |